Innocence & The Alone
4-8-06 The Pursuit Of Innocence
It is also the revelation of Innocence. Its discovery as the Essence of life. What is all this crazy pursuit of money about? How much money do we need for LIVING? What happened to human communion? The same question in blue ink: What happened to True LOVE? Did it disaapear from the universe? We know The repressed always returns though frequently in disguised forms from the original. I know Innocence is the point of life. That is why I headed to L.A. in 1962 at the age of 24. Because I was following my destiny to The City of Angels. Yes, I sought those warm winter days in the Los Angeles sun. I couldn't stand the insanity of winter in Wisconsin which lasts until the end of time. And I have never regretted this singular move. But I am finding that innocence spreads. It invades the psyche. It has nothing to do with age exactly. It is true many people associate it with childhood & youth & refuse to indulge in the Romance of Life after 21. But I have found innocence to be a stable force in my life---a wondrous power that keeps rising up out of the dust of my old dreams and my seemingly old love affairs.
The very best love affair I ever had has yet to culminate in a Brave New World of Grand Celebration. The Wedding Feast is still on hold after all these years. I am alone. I have been alone since 1975. Every once in a while I find the true company of a fellow traveller. It happens so rarely. These were all Angelenos in the beginning. A few of them found true love. Or something approaching it. They married and had one child. I don't know what happened after that. Everything became clandestine. As it always was for me. Though I got lassoed into divulging my dreams to a handful of the faithful back in 1975 and 1976 & 1977. I believe this could not be a success. They needed to know my intimate feelings for one & only love. And I considered it an outrage they would make such to me obscene demands. These were far from obscene people. And therein lay the contradiction. It could not happen---not even under their coercion. I could not yield though I tried. I ended up in jail. And the woman of my dreams was crying alone in the halls of the apartment house she managed. Everything went to hell in a matter of months. And stayed that way for several years. It is impossible to trace the exact contour of love's journey.
Then I disappeared into the desert. And I kept disappearing. I found here and there the angelic face of a woman. And made some half hearted attempts to draw her close to me. But with little success. There were 4 such women. And they expressed tremendous immediate interest. I believe each one of these four remarkable women was living in very unsatisfactory romantic conditions at the time I met them. Yet they were so completely inaccessible after the first few casual meetings I find it hard to evaluate our situations. I live in a separate world from them & therefore have had no real first hand information of their intimate comings & goings. I mean zero information. So that I have been living in a romantic & sexual vacuum. It would be not too much to say that I am innocent of the most trivial facts of their lives let alone signal events if they experienced such. I know nothing save that they have exerted a tremendous influence on me based solely on the fact of our very early encounters when they pulled at my emotions so powerfully with their Love Eyes. And this means to me they were sending very intimate messages to me at that stage which far transcended the words each of these women spoke to me. I must believe each of these women was actually in a crisis mode when I met her. So I think now. Things surely are not what they appear to be. How else could I have evolved into such hells so suddenly & so unintendedly.
I could write ten thousand pages but would not find any fresh material to improve on this slim sheet of data. Save with The Original-----Wendy Reeves. She was a living Revelation & a transforming Beauty who was my Equal in age as well as in the emotional virtues. In fact she is the reason for the title of this essay: Innocence & The Alone. To encounter true Love is to encounter The Loneliness Itself. For one can never be the same after that. And that is why all this penny ante marriage & family love is often so repulsive to me---for all its hard-working community-worshipping self-sacrificial rant. There is something Pure & Sacred that is missing in this whole operation. Something that drags every extraordinary thing down to the common level and immediately tramples upon romance. I have heard some of these cynical ladies even advertising their views that every woman should be forced to live as they do. The woman who told me that now has two children. She is a drop-out. And has disparaged everything in the world having to do with anything but radical politics. She is however happily the negative exception. The women who have been my companions sought to take the high road but found it simply was unavailable to them. They thus joined forces with a silent (for the most part) society. Innocence & The Alone make sweet companions as Thoreau once wrote so accurately. But now I am not thinking Thoreau's thoughts but my own: to wit, that Love made me Alone. That after the woman of singular Beauty walked into my life and looked into my eyes with the Mirada Fuerte Gaze at that moment I became, at her absence, The Always Alone.
RLG Copyright 2006
It is also the revelation of Innocence. Its discovery as the Essence of life. What is all this crazy pursuit of money about? How much money do we need for LIVING? What happened to human communion? The same question in blue ink: What happened to True LOVE? Did it disaapear from the universe? We know The repressed always returns though frequently in disguised forms from the original. I know Innocence is the point of life. That is why I headed to L.A. in 1962 at the age of 24. Because I was following my destiny to The City of Angels. Yes, I sought those warm winter days in the Los Angeles sun. I couldn't stand the insanity of winter in Wisconsin which lasts until the end of time. And I have never regretted this singular move. But I am finding that innocence spreads. It invades the psyche. It has nothing to do with age exactly. It is true many people associate it with childhood & youth & refuse to indulge in the Romance of Life after 21. But I have found innocence to be a stable force in my life---a wondrous power that keeps rising up out of the dust of my old dreams and my seemingly old love affairs.
The very best love affair I ever had has yet to culminate in a Brave New World of Grand Celebration. The Wedding Feast is still on hold after all these years. I am alone. I have been alone since 1975. Every once in a while I find the true company of a fellow traveller. It happens so rarely. These were all Angelenos in the beginning. A few of them found true love. Or something approaching it. They married and had one child. I don't know what happened after that. Everything became clandestine. As it always was for me. Though I got lassoed into divulging my dreams to a handful of the faithful back in 1975 and 1976 & 1977. I believe this could not be a success. They needed to know my intimate feelings for one & only love. And I considered it an outrage they would make such to me obscene demands. These were far from obscene people. And therein lay the contradiction. It could not happen---not even under their coercion. I could not yield though I tried. I ended up in jail. And the woman of my dreams was crying alone in the halls of the apartment house she managed. Everything went to hell in a matter of months. And stayed that way for several years. It is impossible to trace the exact contour of love's journey.
Then I disappeared into the desert. And I kept disappearing. I found here and there the angelic face of a woman. And made some half hearted attempts to draw her close to me. But with little success. There were 4 such women. And they expressed tremendous immediate interest. I believe each one of these four remarkable women was living in very unsatisfactory romantic conditions at the time I met them. Yet they were so completely inaccessible after the first few casual meetings I find it hard to evaluate our situations. I live in a separate world from them & therefore have had no real first hand information of their intimate comings & goings. I mean zero information. So that I have been living in a romantic & sexual vacuum. It would be not too much to say that I am innocent of the most trivial facts of their lives let alone signal events if they experienced such. I know nothing save that they have exerted a tremendous influence on me based solely on the fact of our very early encounters when they pulled at my emotions so powerfully with their Love Eyes. And this means to me they were sending very intimate messages to me at that stage which far transcended the words each of these women spoke to me. I must believe each of these women was actually in a crisis mode when I met her. So I think now. Things surely are not what they appear to be. How else could I have evolved into such hells so suddenly & so unintendedly.
I could write ten thousand pages but would not find any fresh material to improve on this slim sheet of data. Save with The Original-----Wendy Reeves. She was a living Revelation & a transforming Beauty who was my Equal in age as well as in the emotional virtues. In fact she is the reason for the title of this essay: Innocence & The Alone. To encounter true Love is to encounter The Loneliness Itself. For one can never be the same after that. And that is why all this penny ante marriage & family love is often so repulsive to me---for all its hard-working community-worshipping self-sacrificial rant. There is something Pure & Sacred that is missing in this whole operation. Something that drags every extraordinary thing down to the common level and immediately tramples upon romance. I have heard some of these cynical ladies even advertising their views that every woman should be forced to live as they do. The woman who told me that now has two children. She is a drop-out. And has disparaged everything in the world having to do with anything but radical politics. She is however happily the negative exception. The women who have been my companions sought to take the high road but found it simply was unavailable to them. They thus joined forces with a silent (for the most part) society. Innocence & The Alone make sweet companions as Thoreau once wrote so accurately. But now I am not thinking Thoreau's thoughts but my own: to wit, that Love made me Alone. That after the woman of singular Beauty walked into my life and looked into my eyes with the Mirada Fuerte Gaze at that moment I became, at her absence, The Always Alone.
RLG Copyright 2006
posted by rlg at 3:56 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home