Sublimation
3-31-06 Sublimation
At first I did it to kill the pain I felt every night from sleeping without her, eating dinner without her, being in this house without her. It was a defense strategy to save me from nightmare. I knew she loved me & I knew I loved her. She was with some guy she didn't love. And I believed they all were-----the beautiful women. And this had been going on so long I actually was numb to the pain. I also went to jail once upon a time for an absolutely beautiful woman who loved me as I did her. She could not save me because she also was a prisoner I learned too late. And she was the most beautiful woman I ever met. Well, my present lady of absence was beautiful too. The one that drove me to the movies in my living room every night. And sometimes a double feature. I actually mastered the pain in this fashion. By using my art & genius to concentrate on the business at hand: to wit, watching a movie 7 nights a week. With one exception. On the nights I hosted and narrated my television program. That was the only night I ever left the house. Like I say, or was trying to say, at some point this experience became an actual Pleasure. Call it real Sublimation. I was burying my sexual drives in the name of Art & Beauty & Creation.
What was I doing in the meantime to change this state of affairs with respect to unrequited love? I was doing this. I was writing The Story Of My Life every morning & afternoon. And in the evenings I would haul out the movies I picked up at the video store. At that time I went to Tempo's just up the street. They charged only 99 cents for a movie. 1.50 for Recent Releases. And once a week 2 for one. I saw every murder mystery in the store I believe. Though that is exaggeration. I saw numerous good films and a few superb movies and hundreds of losers. Found something to admire in almost everything. I love movies. I did discover that. I won that battle. I absolutely Refused to feel sorry for myself for sleeping alone and waiting for Beauty & me to be united. I had no method. I also had no money. I couldn't buy my way out of any trouble. But I did manage to change my consciousness. When I turned the lights out every night & popped that video into my VCR I opened my eyes and I was prepared for Pleasure. This is the purest case of Sublimation I have ever heard about. I did not suffer for that 100 minutes I was watching the film. Or the double 100 minutes. I enjoyed. I studied. I became an authentic authority on movies.
Before that I was merely known as The Best Poet in L.A by the man who is now the principal art critic for The New Yorker Magazine. That was a considerable tribute but in those days it felt obvious & had no influence on my psyche. Perhaps reading my poems and prose so many times all over L.A. & then on television so many times actually made me even more aware of the power of the magic celluloid. But one a.m. arrived and I had to climb into that bed alone every night without the Beauty of my life. And I became therefore from this continuous methodological film-watching---I became something of a robot in the field of my very own Romance. I forgot. I actually forgot how to woo a woman. I mean this literally. This kissing hugging Passionate man Robert Greenfield had his erotic gifts erased as it were--his simple Gift (Mine) to love a woman with automatic & deep & expressive Passion. I had lost that simple but tremendous power. The power to slide across the front seat of a car and hold a woman in my arms & kiss her & hug her & feel her creamy shoulders and smell her hair and her face and caress her & stroke her and kiss her repeatedly. I forgot that. O, of course I remember having experienced that amazing Passion so many times. But now it was gone. And my lips had literally begun to shrink from years of not kissing the woman I loved and not receiving her kiss back and her hands stroking my face and head and ears. That has not happened in ten years of absolute nothingness.
My television show rolled on. It had a tremendous amount of Life in it. It was full of erotic passion. Of course. My entire sex life was bound up in literature and movies and books and music & painting. Of course it was full of Passion. As I sit here this very moment 8:54 p.m. Friday evening I just stepped away from my VCR where I am indeed this very night watching once again-----YET!-----a movie. And this movie which pushed me away to register this BLOG is titled 'MEMENTO.' It is a quite amazing movie directed by Christopher Nolan about a man who has lost his Short Memory. He can't remember anything that occurs to him. His memory stopped back there around the time his wife was raped & murdered. In any event, what I have just recorded above concerning my past is still the same today. The beautiful woman now has temporarily at least disappeared. She probably still loves me & I probably still love her. But by this time I am totally in the dark. I have no new information. And I certainly have no replacement for her. One never changes one's criteria for Love. They constitute one's actual psyche I have learned. Only people without criteria even talk about such things. I have heard the ramblings of those men who have no criteria. They are always people outside the world of Creation. I never talk with them any more. They don't want true love or true art or true beauty which are always unified. They want machine sex. I have had enough machine sex to know it is a waste of time & virtue. I am now going to return to my movie to watch the conclusion. I saw this movie a couple of times ten years ago or so. And, I don't remember it. The amnesia that afflicts the main character in the movie has also afflicted me. I don't care. I have nobody to report to. I just want to coast through this night on something better than bad memories or cheap regret. I still believe the only Reason I am on earth is to bring Beauty into the world. And to me there is no Beauty without mutual love with one woman.
RLG Copyright 2006
At first I did it to kill the pain I felt every night from sleeping without her, eating dinner without her, being in this house without her. It was a defense strategy to save me from nightmare. I knew she loved me & I knew I loved her. She was with some guy she didn't love. And I believed they all were-----the beautiful women. And this had been going on so long I actually was numb to the pain. I also went to jail once upon a time for an absolutely beautiful woman who loved me as I did her. She could not save me because she also was a prisoner I learned too late. And she was the most beautiful woman I ever met. Well, my present lady of absence was beautiful too. The one that drove me to the movies in my living room every night. And sometimes a double feature. I actually mastered the pain in this fashion. By using my art & genius to concentrate on the business at hand: to wit, watching a movie 7 nights a week. With one exception. On the nights I hosted and narrated my television program. That was the only night I ever left the house. Like I say, or was trying to say, at some point this experience became an actual Pleasure. Call it real Sublimation. I was burying my sexual drives in the name of Art & Beauty & Creation.
What was I doing in the meantime to change this state of affairs with respect to unrequited love? I was doing this. I was writing The Story Of My Life every morning & afternoon. And in the evenings I would haul out the movies I picked up at the video store. At that time I went to Tempo's just up the street. They charged only 99 cents for a movie. 1.50 for Recent Releases. And once a week 2 for one. I saw every murder mystery in the store I believe. Though that is exaggeration. I saw numerous good films and a few superb movies and hundreds of losers. Found something to admire in almost everything. I love movies. I did discover that. I won that battle. I absolutely Refused to feel sorry for myself for sleeping alone and waiting for Beauty & me to be united. I had no method. I also had no money. I couldn't buy my way out of any trouble. But I did manage to change my consciousness. When I turned the lights out every night & popped that video into my VCR I opened my eyes and I was prepared for Pleasure. This is the purest case of Sublimation I have ever heard about. I did not suffer for that 100 minutes I was watching the film. Or the double 100 minutes. I enjoyed. I studied. I became an authentic authority on movies.
Before that I was merely known as The Best Poet in L.A by the man who is now the principal art critic for The New Yorker Magazine. That was a considerable tribute but in those days it felt obvious & had no influence on my psyche. Perhaps reading my poems and prose so many times all over L.A. & then on television so many times actually made me even more aware of the power of the magic celluloid. But one a.m. arrived and I had to climb into that bed alone every night without the Beauty of my life. And I became therefore from this continuous methodological film-watching---I became something of a robot in the field of my very own Romance. I forgot. I actually forgot how to woo a woman. I mean this literally. This kissing hugging Passionate man Robert Greenfield had his erotic gifts erased as it were--his simple Gift (Mine) to love a woman with automatic & deep & expressive Passion. I had lost that simple but tremendous power. The power to slide across the front seat of a car and hold a woman in my arms & kiss her & hug her & feel her creamy shoulders and smell her hair and her face and caress her & stroke her and kiss her repeatedly. I forgot that. O, of course I remember having experienced that amazing Passion so many times. But now it was gone. And my lips had literally begun to shrink from years of not kissing the woman I loved and not receiving her kiss back and her hands stroking my face and head and ears. That has not happened in ten years of absolute nothingness.
My television show rolled on. It had a tremendous amount of Life in it. It was full of erotic passion. Of course. My entire sex life was bound up in literature and movies and books and music & painting. Of course it was full of Passion. As I sit here this very moment 8:54 p.m. Friday evening I just stepped away from my VCR where I am indeed this very night watching once again-----YET!-----a movie. And this movie which pushed me away to register this BLOG is titled 'MEMENTO.' It is a quite amazing movie directed by Christopher Nolan about a man who has lost his Short Memory. He can't remember anything that occurs to him. His memory stopped back there around the time his wife was raped & murdered. In any event, what I have just recorded above concerning my past is still the same today. The beautiful woman now has temporarily at least disappeared. She probably still loves me & I probably still love her. But by this time I am totally in the dark. I have no new information. And I certainly have no replacement for her. One never changes one's criteria for Love. They constitute one's actual psyche I have learned. Only people without criteria even talk about such things. I have heard the ramblings of those men who have no criteria. They are always people outside the world of Creation. I never talk with them any more. They don't want true love or true art or true beauty which are always unified. They want machine sex. I have had enough machine sex to know it is a waste of time & virtue. I am now going to return to my movie to watch the conclusion. I saw this movie a couple of times ten years ago or so. And, I don't remember it. The amnesia that afflicts the main character in the movie has also afflicted me. I don't care. I have nobody to report to. I just want to coast through this night on something better than bad memories or cheap regret. I still believe the only Reason I am on earth is to bring Beauty into the world. And to me there is no Beauty without mutual love with one woman.
RLG Copyright 2006
posted by rlg at 8:35 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home