Lover's Compleynt
7-14-06 Love Lasts Forever
I'm sorry I was so weak. So utterly unable to open my mouth at the proper time. When you & I were suddenly face to face unexpectedly. I'm truly sorry & inconsolably lonely. Because I came home empty and shocked of missing you. Stunned. Paralyzed. I ate supper alone. This occurred again & again & again. Until I turned over many years into an absolute monk totally unlike who I am or think myself to be. Without my consent I became utterly monastic. I did not seek it but monasticism thrust itself upon me. I could find no alternative. I could not follow Plan B because there was no such option in my active imagination. And secondary women were all useless to me. For missing you that summer day when you wore the lovely yellow dress on campus. The secondary & tertiary women were of no consequence to my heart or my life. They could not step into your body and be you in your yellow dress---or your blue dress. They could not wear your beautiful irresistible eyes. I have no excuses. I looked into those beautiful eyes & my mouth was locked shut. I was so much older than you. I felt ashamed to let you know my profound feelings of love. And I still can't believe my ego got in the way of our ecstasy & let that moment fritter away without my saying to you: 'Don't go yet----I'll be too Lonely. Don't walk away or I'll go back to my barren Cave of Isolation.' These words must be spoken. They are too frail on mere paper. And that moment we stood there has disappeared. There were other beautiful moments. We lost them to time also. Moments meant for us to embrace eachother. I forgot to say the words & to reach for you---to put my arms around you.
And yes, how about 30 years ago? How about that? The same thing. My mouth was frozen shut then also. And I could not move 31 years ago this autumn I could not move across the room of the office to put my arms around your beautiful head and kiss your lips as your eyes were on liquid fire for me. I could not perform that simple profound satisfying act I have performed so many other times when it didn't matter in more trivial situations with girls who did not matter to me. O, Bride, where are you tonight as I contemplate 31 years of absolute solitude and incessant sleeping Alone? Thus I began to notice the grass and the trees and the flowers and the sky. Began irrevocably to observe them as symbols of things I could count on to be there consistently when I opened my eyes. I began to notice the sun and the pavement & the cars on the road as things perhaps the only things in the universe I could count on to be consistent when I gazed in their direction. O, yes, I also noticed the people in the stores & on sidewalks in libraries---especially the lovely women. I was looking for you in the crowd. I was always looking for you. For 31 years every day and night. I was always waiting for your knock on my door. And for an unexpected letter from you to arrive softly in my mail box and stun me with the news you still love me after all these years. I read books too. Great books and less great ones always looking for you there. Inside the wisdom of the ages or merely inside the gossip of the day and the hour. It was a full-time occupation with me. To seek you out. And I wrote every day of my life. I formed shapes & patterns, I uttered feelings on the white page. All of it the letters, the poems the essays and stories the allegories and descriptions and reviews and soliloquys was directed at you. It was intended for your eyes and ears. Sometimes I stood in front of audiences and crooned my lamentations and blues and songs. Were you not there hiding in the very center of the crowd? Do I exaggerate now these years after? Time is our Friend. This I know. But I do not know how I know it for I have not thought it. And come to think of it I have not thought anything yet-----nothing at all pertaining to the real you & the real me and our coming union. I hope you help me shape a plan that we can use. Because alone I am of small value & my words have a difficult time finding the ears & face of love.
RLG Copyright 2006
I'm sorry I was so weak. So utterly unable to open my mouth at the proper time. When you & I were suddenly face to face unexpectedly. I'm truly sorry & inconsolably lonely. Because I came home empty and shocked of missing you. Stunned. Paralyzed. I ate supper alone. This occurred again & again & again. Until I turned over many years into an absolute monk totally unlike who I am or think myself to be. Without my consent I became utterly monastic. I did not seek it but monasticism thrust itself upon me. I could find no alternative. I could not follow Plan B because there was no such option in my active imagination. And secondary women were all useless to me. For missing you that summer day when you wore the lovely yellow dress on campus. The secondary & tertiary women were of no consequence to my heart or my life. They could not step into your body and be you in your yellow dress---or your blue dress. They could not wear your beautiful irresistible eyes. I have no excuses. I looked into those beautiful eyes & my mouth was locked shut. I was so much older than you. I felt ashamed to let you know my profound feelings of love. And I still can't believe my ego got in the way of our ecstasy & let that moment fritter away without my saying to you: 'Don't go yet----I'll be too Lonely. Don't walk away or I'll go back to my barren Cave of Isolation.' These words must be spoken. They are too frail on mere paper. And that moment we stood there has disappeared. There were other beautiful moments. We lost them to time also. Moments meant for us to embrace eachother. I forgot to say the words & to reach for you---to put my arms around you.
And yes, how about 30 years ago? How about that? The same thing. My mouth was frozen shut then also. And I could not move 31 years ago this autumn I could not move across the room of the office to put my arms around your beautiful head and kiss your lips as your eyes were on liquid fire for me. I could not perform that simple profound satisfying act I have performed so many other times when it didn't matter in more trivial situations with girls who did not matter to me. O, Bride, where are you tonight as I contemplate 31 years of absolute solitude and incessant sleeping Alone? Thus I began to notice the grass and the trees and the flowers and the sky. Began irrevocably to observe them as symbols of things I could count on to be there consistently when I opened my eyes. I began to notice the sun and the pavement & the cars on the road as things perhaps the only things in the universe I could count on to be consistent when I gazed in their direction. O, yes, I also noticed the people in the stores & on sidewalks in libraries---especially the lovely women. I was looking for you in the crowd. I was always looking for you. For 31 years every day and night. I was always waiting for your knock on my door. And for an unexpected letter from you to arrive softly in my mail box and stun me with the news you still love me after all these years. I read books too. Great books and less great ones always looking for you there. Inside the wisdom of the ages or merely inside the gossip of the day and the hour. It was a full-time occupation with me. To seek you out. And I wrote every day of my life. I formed shapes & patterns, I uttered feelings on the white page. All of it the letters, the poems the essays and stories the allegories and descriptions and reviews and soliloquys was directed at you. It was intended for your eyes and ears. Sometimes I stood in front of audiences and crooned my lamentations and blues and songs. Were you not there hiding in the very center of the crowd? Do I exaggerate now these years after? Time is our Friend. This I know. But I do not know how I know it for I have not thought it. And come to think of it I have not thought anything yet-----nothing at all pertaining to the real you & the real me and our coming union. I hope you help me shape a plan that we can use. Because alone I am of small value & my words have a difficult time finding the ears & face of love.
RLG Copyright 2006
posted by rlg at 5:36 PM
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